Caring for Yourself as a Parent

When your child has cancer, it is easy to put your own needs last. But you cannot pour from an empty cup for long. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of taking care of your child. This is true from diagnosis through years of follow-up care.

Notice if you are not sleeping, feeling low most days, or losing interest in things you used to enjoy. These can be signs of depression or serious stress, not just normal tiredness. Talk to your own primary care doctor or a mental health professional if this sounds like you. Getting help early is easier than waiting until you are running on empty.

• Try short bursts of activity: a walk, a stretch, ten minutes outside. Movement lowers stress and helps you sleep.
• Practice a few minutes of deep breathing or another relaxation technique, especially during long waits at the hospital.
• Bring something you enjoy to appointments — a book, music, a game — to fill waiting time with something other than worry.
• Protect a few minutes each day that are just for you, even if it feels impossible some days.

If you have a partner, know that stress affects people differently. One of you may want to talk things through. The other may need quiet. Neither is wrong. Make time to check in with each other, even briefly, instead of only trading logistics about appointments and pickups.

Many parents find it hard to ask for help. Try being specific instead of vague. Ask someone to bring a meal on Tuesday, or drive a sibling to practice, rather than saying "let me know if you need anything." Tools like CaringBridge or Lotsa Helping Hands let you post updates and coordinate help from a wider circle at once. Support groups, in person or online, connect you with other parents who understand exactly what you are living through.

Siblings need you too, and they often hide how much they are struggling. Set aside a little time each day just for them. Keep them informed about what is happening, using words they can understand, and involve them in hospital visits when it makes sense. Try to keep their normal routines going: school, activities, friends. Ask friends or neighbors to help with rides or after-school care, so siblings do not lose their whole routine. NCI publishes a free guide written for teen siblings, called "When Your Brother or Sister Has Cancer," which can help them feel less alone.

Give your child honest, simple, age-appropriate information. Children read your face and tone as much as your words, so staying as calm as you can helps them feel safer. Make sure your child knows that nothing they did caused the cancer, and that treatment has helped many other children.

Ask your hospital's social worker about help with lodging near the hospital, transportation, and financial assistance. Many centers have programs built exactly for this. If you work, ask your employer's HR office about family and medical leave. Parents caring for a child with a serious illness may qualify for job-protected time off. A social worker can also point you to disease-specific foundations that help with costs like travel, parking, and lost wages.

Stress shows up in the body too. You might notice headaches, stomach trouble, clenched jaw, or getting sick more often than usual. These are signals, not weaknesses. Keep up with your own checkups and prescriptions during your child's treatment, even when it feels like there is no time. You are more useful to your child healthy than run down.

Reach out to your child's social worker or a mental health professional if stress is affecting your sleep, your health, your work, or your other relationships for more than a couple of weeks. This is common, not a sign you are failing. Many children's cancer centers have counselors on staff specifically for parents.

This section is about you, not your child.

• Call 911, or call or text 988, if you have thoughts of ending your life or of hurting yourself. MedlinePlus says to dial 911 in an emergency and to use the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline otherwise. You do not have to be certain. Make the call anyway.
• Call your own doctor the same day if you feel you cannot keep yourself or your other children safe, or if panic, chest tightness or shortness of breath comes on and does not pass.
• Call your own doctor within a day or two if low mood, poor sleep or loss of interest has run for more than a couple of weeks. Say the same thing to your child's social worker. NCI's advice to parents is to talk with your primary care doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor or social worker.

• National Cancer Institute — Support for Caregivers: Parents of Children with Cancer.
• MedlinePlus — Suicide and Suicidal Behavior.