When colleagues treat you differently after a diagnosis

This page is for people with cancer who feel that coworkers now treat them differently. It covers why it happens, how to talk about it, and when it may be more than awkwardness.

You come back, or you never left, and something in the building has shifted. Voices drop half a step when you walk over. Someone you used to argue with about football now asks how you are doing, with a pause in the middle. A project you would obviously have been given goes to someone else, and nobody mentions it.

None of it is hostile. All of it tells you that you have been moved into a different category.

NCI describes this without dressing it up. Coworkers may respond with support or with anxiety. Some do not know how to offer support. Some prefer to avoid the topic entirely.

That last point is worth thinking about. A colleague who avoids you is not usually changing their view of your skills. They are handling their own fear, often badly, and nobody has taught them what to say.

Knowing this does not make it less annoying. But it can change what you do about it. A problem caused by someone's discomfort can often be fixed by giving them something clear to do or say.

Most awkwardness at work is a colleague who has run out of script, not a colleague who has written you off.

NCI's specific advice is to address problematic relationships face to face and early.

Both parts matter:

• Face to face, because email loses tone, and this kind of talk is mostly about tone.
• Early, because avoidance that goes on for months can become the normal way you deal with each other.

The talk does not need to be heavy. Simply naming the awkwardness out loud can help, because the other person may feel it too.

NCI suggests keeping coworkers informed — by phone, email, or through a trusted intermediary — and notes that colleagues who are kept in the loop remain less anxious and scared.

Without facts, people tend to fill the gaps, often with guesses worse than the truth. A short, factual update can stop that.

An intermediary (a trusted person who passes on updates for you) can be very helpful. You do not have to handle every update yourself during treatment.

NCI is clear that there is no right way to deal with others about your illness, and that planning what you will say is worth doing in advance. Some people prefer to keep the diagnosis out of the foreground. Others are open with leadership so that concerns can be aired and wrong ideas corrected.

You can also change your mind. What you told people in week one does not bind you in month six.

A colleague who has gone quiet is different from an employer who has quietly cut back your role. NCI does not judge individual cases, but it does state that federal law prohibits discrimination against workers with disabilities, including cancer, and it directs readers to the Cancer Legal Resource Center for information on those rights.

Signs that it may be more than awkwardness include:

• Work is being taken away from you.
• A path to promotion is closing.
• Agreed arrangements are being ignored.

These are questions for specialist advice. NCI also advises keeping a record of each request you make and what came of it.

This is not medical advice, but some people find these small steps useful:

• Answer "how are you" once, briefly, then move on to work.
• Ask for work you want before it is handed to someone else.
• Accept that a few people may never get comfortable. That is about them, not a task for you.