Men Caring for Someone With Cancer

Most cancer caregiving advice is written as if the caregiver is a wife, a daughter, or a sister. A large share of the people doing the work are men. This page is for the husband, son, brother, or friend who now handles the pills, the wounds, the rides, and the bad nights.

CDC studied survey answers from 35 states and Puerto Rico. About 1 in 5 US adults gives regular care to a family member or friend with a health problem or a disability. Men made up 42.1% of those caregivers in 2015-2016, and 40.8% in 2021-2022.

Cancer caregiving looks about the same. NCI's summary for clinicians cites a National Alliance for Caregiving survey in which 58% of cancer caregivers were women. That leaves roughly 4 in 10 who were men. In that survey, 72% helped with medical tasks. Half held jobs and worked about 35 hours a week. Half reported high emotional stress, and a quarter reported high money strain.

A study of 88 spouse caregivers of people with advanced cancer adds one more thing. Male spouse caregivers reported about 12.7 hours of care a week. Female caregivers reported about 10. The two groups did not differ on hours or on measured burden. But the women scored higher on anxiety, depression, and stress. The men were doing the same job and reporting less strain on paper. That gap is the thing to watch in yourself.

Medicare Part B pays for caregiver training services. Medicare lists doctors, nurse practitioners, clinical nurse specialists, certified nurse-midwives, physician assistants, clinical psychologists, and therapists as providers who can teach you. Training can be one-on-one or in a group. The patient does not have to be in the room.

Medicare lists what the training may cover. It includes giving medicines, helping with daily tasks, moving the person safely, and talking with them. Two rules apply. The training has to support the health goals the patient set with the doctor. And the patient has to need your help for the treatment to work. After the Part B deductible, you pay 20% of the Medicare-approved amount. That share you owe is called coinsurance.

So stop guessing at a task you were shown once in a hallway. Ask this instead: "Can you bill a caregiver training visit, teach me the dressing change, and watch me do it once?"

Bathing, toileting, ostomy bags, drain output logs, and shots under the skin are common jobs at home. Many men have never done any of them for a parent or a spouse. Two things make it work: skill and consent.

Ask the person how they want it done, and in what order. Say what you are about to do before you do it. For anything involving a wound, a drain, an ostomy, or a needle, have an oncology nurse or a home health nurse teach you and watch you do it once.

Know the limit of the coverage. Medicare states plainly that it does not pay for long-term care. That includes help with dressing, bathing, and using the bathroom when that is the main need. This kind of help is called custodial care. Unless Medicaid covers it in your state, or you pay out of pocket, those hours fall on the family. Plan for that before a discharge, not after one.

NCI tells caregivers to watch for signs of depression or anxiety that last more than two weeks. In men the signs often do not look like sadness. They look like a short fuse, longer hours at work, thin sleep, and more drinking.

Use real numbers rather than a hunch. NIAAA counts a standard drink as 14 grams of pure alcohol, or 0.6 fluid ounces. For men, binge drinking means 5 or more drinks on one occasion, in about 2 hours. Heavy drinking means 5 or more drinks on any day, or 15 or more in a week. If you have crossed either line since the diagnosis, tell your own doctor.

The risk here is not vague. CDC found that 25.6% of caregivers reported a lifetime diagnosis of depression, against 18.6% of people who were not caregivers. Frequent mental distress ran 20.5% against 13.6%. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in the United States. If you are in danger right now, call 911.

The Family and Medical Leave Act, or FMLA, gives eligible workers up to 12 workweeks of leave in a 12-month period. The leave is unpaid, but the employer must keep your group health coverage going.

You are eligible if you have worked for that employer for at least 12 months and worked at least 1,250 hours in the 12 months before the leave. You must also work at a site where the employer has 50 or more employees within 75 miles.

Caring for a spouse, child, or parent with a serious health condition counts. If you are caring for a brother or an in-law, ask your HR office first, because the rules on who counts are narrow. Leave can often be taken intermittently, in blocks, when it is medically needed. That fits chemotherapy weeks better than one long stretch does. Military caregiver leave runs up to 26 workweeks in a single 12-month period.

Say the quiet part out loud: you cannot do this alone for two years.

If the person is on hospice, Medicare pays for inpatient respite care. Medicare.gov describes it as short-term care in an approved facility for up to 5 days, so the caregiver can rest. Your hospice provider arranges it, and you can get it more than once, but only occasionally. Ask the hospice what you would owe.

The National Family Caregiver Support Program funds five kinds of help through state and local aging agencies. They are information, help getting services, counseling and support groups and caregiver training, respite care, and limited extra services. It covers caregivers of adults aged 60 and over, and caregivers of a person of any age with Alzheimer's disease. Find your local agency through the Eldercare Locator at eldercare.acl.gov.

If a room full of strangers is not for you, CancerCare runs a support group for spouses and partners. An oncology social worker leads it.

• If the person is on chemotherapy: a temperature of 100.4 degrees F (38 degrees C) or higher. CDC says to call the doctor immediately, because fever may be the only sign of infection and infection during chemotherapy can be life-threatening. Call the care team right away, day or night. Do not wait for morning. If you cannot reach anyone, go to an emergency department.
• If the person is on chemotherapy: chills, sore throat, mouth sores, burning when urinating, redness at a catheter site, or any other sign of infection. Call the care team right away, day or night, even if the temperature is normal. A normal temperature is not permission to wait.
• Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department for: trouble breathing, chest pain, new confusion, being hard to wake, black or tarry stool, blood in vomit or vomit that looks like coffee grounds, bleeding that will not stop, or sudden inability to urinate at all.
• A fall, or a lift you could not manage. Ask for a home safety visit and equipment before the next one.
• Low mood or anxiety lasting more than two weeks, in the patient or in you.
• You are drinking to get through the evening, or you are afraid of your own temper.

• Can you bill a caregiver training visit so I get taught this properly?
• Which tasks am I cleared to do, and which ones need a nurse?
• What number do I call at 2 a.m., and who picks up?
• Is he or she hospice-eligible yet, and does that open up respite for me?
• Can we get a home health referral, and what will it actually cover?
• Who checks on me if I am the one who has stopped sleeping?

• Support for Caregivers of Cancer Patients — National Cancer Institute
• Informal Caregivers in Cancer (PDQ) health professional version — National Cancer Institute
• Informal Caregivers in Cancer (PDQ) patient version — National Cancer Institute
• Changes in Health Indicators Among Caregivers, United States, 2015-2016 to 2021-2022 — CDC MMWR
• Caring for a spouse with advanced cancer: similarities and differences for male and female caregivers (Ketcher et al., Journal of Behavioral Medicine) — PubMed Central
• Caregiver training services — Medicare.gov
• Long-term care — Medicare.gov
• Understanding Alcohol Drinking Patterns — National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
• Suicide Data and Statistics — CDC
• Family and Medical Leave Act — US Department of Labor
• Hospice — CMS
• Hospice care — Medicare.gov
• National Family Caregiver Support Program — Administration for Community Living
• Watch Out for Fever — CDC, Preventing Infections in Cancer Patients
• Caregiver Support Group for Spouses/Partners — CancerCare