The short answer
An advanced or terminal cancer diagnosis can bring a wide range of feelings, from hope and fear to sadness, anger, guilt, and loneliness. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Many people find ways to cope, draw on inner strength, and know they are not alone.
A terminal diagnosis can bring many feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
You can still feel hope, such as hope for comfort, peace, acceptance, and joy.
Sadness, grief, fear, anger, guilt, and loneliness are all normal reactions.
It is a good idea to talk to your team if signs of depression last more than two weeks.
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The full explanation.
There is no right way to feel
You have probably felt a range of emotions while dealing with cancer. You may have had these feelings before, but they may feel more intense now. Everything changes when you learn you have terminal cancer.
Your thoughts may seem overwhelming at first, changing each day or even each hour. There is no right or wrong way to feel or react. You may relate to all of the feelings here or just a few, and some days will be better than others.
Hope can still be part of your life
You can still feel a sense of hope, despite your cancer. When you are told that remission may not be possible, you can hope for other things, such as comfort, peace, acceptance, and even joy. Hoping may give you a sense of purpose, which in itself may help you feel better.
To build a sense of hope, you might set small goals to look forward to each day, spend time with the people who matter most, and keep doing the things you enjoy. Look for small things in life to enjoy each day, and do not limit yourself.
Sadness, and when it may be depression
With a terminal diagnosis, you may feel sad more often than ever before, and may want to cry at unexpected times. Know that you do not have to be upbeat all the time or pretend to be cheerful. Do what feels natural to you.
Depression can happen if sadness or despair seem to take over your life. Some signs include feeling hopeless, losing interest in things you used to enjoy, changes in appetite or sleep, and crying for long periods. It is a good idea to talk to your doctor if these last more than two weeks. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone on your health care team right away. These feelings can be managed.
Grief, fear, and anger
You may feel grief about having terminal cancer. We all cope with loss in different ways. Grief can bring sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, and guilt, and can even affect how you think. These are all normal reactions. It helps to pace yourself and accept that you are going through a lot.
Facing the unknown is hard, and it is normal to fear losing control, becoming dependent, being in pain, or what will happen to your loved ones. Some people find it helps to learn what to expect, to put their affairs in order, and to work through their feelings with someone they trust.
It is also very normal to ask, "Why me?" and feel angry. Anger often comes from feelings that are hard to show, such as fear and helplessness. Give yourself time to sort through these feelings; it is not healthy to keep them all inside, and a counselor can help.
Guilt is common, and not your fault
Many people with advanced cancer wonder if they did anything to add to their situation. They may blame themselves for lifestyle choices or feel guilty that treatment did not work.
It is important to remember that the treatment failed you. You did not fail the treatment. We cannot know why cancer can be controlled in some people and not others. Feeling guilty will not help, and it can even stop you from moving forward. Try to let go of mistakes, focus on what you can control, and forgive yourself.
Some people feel guilty about upsetting loved ones or being a burden. If that is you, take comfort in this: many family members have said it is an honor and a privilege to care for their loved one, and a time to grow closer.
You are not alone
As your cancer progresses, you may find yourself alone more than you would like. You may feel that others cannot understand, or people may pull away because they have trouble coping. But remember that you are not alone. You can let people know you welcome their visits, ask them to reach out by phone or mail, or try a support group.
Finally, many people find inner strength they did not know they had. Your feelings of helplessness may change over time. People often find strength in small things they can do for themselves, in focusing on the present, in setting goals, or in their relationships. Draw on whatever is meaningful to you, and know that support is always available.
Words to know
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Common questions
▸Is it normal to feel many different emotions after a terminal diagnosis?
Yes. Everything changes when you learn you have terminal cancer, and your thoughts may seem overwhelming at first, changing each day or even each hour. There is no right or wrong way to feel or react, and some days will be better than others.
▸Can I still feel hope?
Yes. You can still feel a sense of hope. When remission may not be possible, you can hope for other things, such as comfort, peace, acceptance, and even joy. Setting small goals and spending time with people who matter can help build a sense of hope.
▸How do I know if sadness has become depression?
Feeling sad is common, but depression can happen if sadness or despair seem to take over your life. Signs include losing interest in things you enjoyed, changes in sleep or appetite, and long periods of crying. It is a good idea to talk to your doctor if these last more than two weeks, and to report thoughts of hurting yourself right away.
▸Is it normal to feel guilt or blame myself?
Yes. Many people wonder if they added to their situation, but it is important to remember that the treatment failed you; you did not fail the treatment. Feeling guilty does not help and can hold you back. Try to forgive yourself and focus on what you can control.
▸What can help with fear and loneliness?
It can help to learn what to expect by asking your team questions, to put your affairs in order, and to talk with someone you trust. If you feel lonely, you can let people know you welcome visits or calls, or try a support group. Remember that you are not alone, and it is okay to ask for help.
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